I lost "control" and it scared me. A lot.

What a week.

On Sunday, I wasn't feeling well so Luke was feeding the kids dinner. I was trying to be in my room and watch TV and relax but I just felt so bad not helping out. I kept coming out of the room to see everyone, then going back in because I really just didn't feel good. At one point I came out just as Kaden was getting down from the table and was crying that his eyes hurt. He said he must have gotten peanut butter in them. (He had been eating celery with peanut butter, chicken enchilada pasta, and mango, and a sandwhich, i think... he eats a lot!) Luke wiped his eyes and bit and sent Kaden to me. I took a look and since they were watery and looking kind of (but barely) swollen I did a saline rinse on them. I told him not to touch them and headed back to my room. About a minute later, for some reason I came back out again and Luke told me to look at Kaden's eyes again. This time they were definitely swollen, but still nothing to freak out about. For some reason, I did though. I felt so dumb. I gave him a dose of benedryl, then Kaden sat on the step and started coughing and, for some unknown reason, I couldn't handle it. I asked Luke (more demanded) to take him to the ER, even if they just sat outside until we knew he was ok. I knew that coughing can be a sign of trouble breathing, but he had a little cold so I knew it probably wasn't. I knew I was being paranoid, and ridiculous, and all those other things.

Luke left with strict instructions to call me when they got there. I called a friend and told her what was going on and that I was freaked out, but not sure why. At some point I looked at the phone. It had been 7 minutes. It doesn't take 7 minutes to get to the hospital!!! I freaked! I called Luke and found out that by the time he got there Kaden's eyes were completely swollen. Even the whites of his eyes had swollen around the colored part. He had taken him into the ER and by the time they got inside his eyes were basically swollen shut. When I was talking to him they were already getting a IV line in, epinephrine pushed, and of course, steroids. He couldn't talk long...

Fast forward a few minutes and Luke calls me back. This time I can hear Kaden crying in the background and my heart was broken. He told me that Kaden had thrown up when they gave him the epinephrine and that he was looking pretty bad and very very uncomfortable. His whole face was swollen, and they weren't sure if his breathing was affected or not. He wasn't responding as well to the medicines as they had hoped but was doing fine. They had moved him to a bigger room in the ER, and the doctor had informed Luke that Kaden would be admitted and kept overnight. Oddly, that was a relief.

A couple friends came over to watch my kids, but I had to stick around long enough to get the other 2 kids to bed (including feeding Kamden). At that point, I got another call letting me know that Kaden would be sent to the ICU so that he would be monitored more closely. I can't describe the feeling that goes through you when you find out that your baby is going to be in the ICU. It was all so very unreal. When I finally got Kamden to bed and calmed enough that I could leave (they wouldn't let me bring any kids with  me) I went straight to see my boy.

I only spent about 2 hours with him up in the ICU, and he looked so bad. So so bad. But he was much better than he had been, and I think I'm thankful that I didn't see him at his worst. I don't know if this momma's heart could handle that. I hugged him and kissed him and wanted to cry...but was so happy that he was going to be ok. At this point he had  I also got to talk to the pediatrician for quite a while. We narrowed down his reaction to either peanut butter, mango or green chilis and will have to do testing later to find out for sure.

Later I found out that the "bigger room" they moved him to in the ER was the trauma (or surgery) room... the on-call surgeon was called in, and the nurses didn't leave his room even for a second. They kept calm, but it's apparent that they were not so sure they weren't going to need to trach him. Also found out later that he had been asking for mom... I'm so glad I didn't know that the whole time.

Kaden was a trooper the whole time. He cried some and was grumpy up in the ICU (well, it was like 3 1/2 hours past his bedtime and I'm sure he felt awful, not to mention the amount of drugs: epinephrine, zyrtec, benedryl (2 doses), zantac, prednisone, etc... I don't even know if I know all of the drugs he was on.) He wanted to watch Cars 2-which we let him- and then, at midnight, only agreed to try to sleep when I told him that even in the hospital there was a bedtime and that the nurse and doctor were there to tell him goodnight (narrowly escaped a meltdown with that one, i think!)

I came home and slept for about 3 hours .. I kept repeating the words to the kids' song: "I will cast all of my cares upon You, I will lay all of my burdens down at your feet, and anytime that I don't know what to do, I will cast all of my cares upon You." to finally get to sleep (also Kate and Kamden had a ROUGH night- I think they could sense the stress and commotion). As soon as we could in the morning we headed back to the hospital (this time I could bring Kate and Kamden) to see Kaden. Kate brought him his favorite stuffed animals and it was so sweet to see the excitement of them seeing each other. I know that Kate knew that something had happened and she was so excited to see her brother.

Kaden got out of the hospital a little before noon and insisted that we go to his friend Noah's house to play. (That is where Kate had gone earlier in the morning after she got bored of laying in bed with Kaden.) As far as he was concerned life was back to normal (and he never wants to stay at a hospital again!!!)

On this side of it, it's been hard. I can't speak for Luke, but for me every day and every moment has been an exersize at trusting God with my boy (kids, really). Reminding myself that God gave him to me, and God can take him at any point and my job is to praise him. Making a point to put worry and fear aside so that my 4 year old can be as normal as possible while we figure this out. And hard to know the balance of what to say to Kaden. We've tried to let him know how very important it is that he avoid certain foods and say no if he's offered them (anything peanuts and any sucker, candy, juice that could have mango flavors..just to name a few). The next morning he asked for peanut butter on his toast and when I told him no, he cried, "But I just like peanut butter SO much." We've tried to help him understand that this is a life-threatening thing for him, while not causing him to live in fear. Helping him to take on this life change and responsibility (since I can't be around him all the time) as a big boy, while still letting him be a kid. And we know that at 4 years old there is no way he can truly understand...

It's been hard too at every meal for Luke and I. We are overly cautious and paranoid. I haven't given him a strawberry even though I have some in the fridge because I know they are such a common allergy food... even though I know that wasn't what caused the reaction. I remind myself that life will go back to "normal" and that this "trauma" will fade into the past. We will grow accustomed to sending an epi-pen with him everywhere he goes, and asking friends to remember too, when he's with them. But for now, I'm remembering to treasure every moment with my kids, and purposefully reminding myself that I am not in control, and Who holds the control.

I truly believe that God placed that instinct into me to send him to the ER and that God spared him from worse reaction because of that. I did see God's hand at work throughout the process.

He has his first allergy testing appointment on Monday. While I'm a little nervous, I'm excited to be able to find out which thing he is allergic to so we can give him back a few of his comforts! Poor guy had to give up a lot of yummy things! He goes off his steroids on Sunday and I'm also super excited for that. Did you know that steroids make a boy aggressive, hyper and HUNGRY? it's a scary combo.

I mostly wrote this for myself... and for Kaden. I want him to be able to know someday exactly what happened (even though even my mind is foggy about it just a few days later) just in case he thinks he should try that food again.. and to remember for myself, just in case I start to take my kids for granted. We think we have this life under control and it's good to remember that we don't. That in just a second, in the blink of an eye, our whole world can change. And I'm so thankful that, for us, the change is just an allergy to avoid.

for future reminiscing

Kadenisms:
"blizzard" = blister, as in "I have a blizzard on my finger"
"go dead" "went dead" = died or killing someone, as in "Katelyn, you go dead when I stab you"

He's into legos, drawing pictures (and cutting) for anyone and everyone, and "weapons." The exciting news for him this year is that he is registered for kindergarten. WOW! His screening is next week. (I guess I better get that in the calendar!)

Katelynisms:
Dandan = Kamden
Dayday = Kaden
Date = Kate
"die" = cry, as in "I didn't die!" or "Dandan's dying!"
"yike" = like, as in "I don't yike it!"
"me-me" = excuse me
"hing more hong" = sing more songs (we hear this one a LOT)
"deedee" = blankee, as in "MY DEEDEE!" in desparation as she realizes it's not RIGHT next to her anymore.
"Rellie" = Cinderella
"toot toot" = cute cute = her skirt most of the time, but any dress that she thinks is pretty
"Yut" = what, as in "Yut mom?"
"Dummin" = coming, as in "I'm dummin"
"ngulk" = milk
"yah you" = I love you
"pah-ee" =potty
"hoop" = soup
"no no" = don't know
I should note: she says Mickey Mouse perfectly. He should be proud.

Her big news is that she is learning to "not die" (not cry) in the nursery. It's a struggle for her and when she successfully enters a nursery without crying she announces it to everyone: "I DIDN'T DIE!!!" I just love it.

Kamden:
6 months old! Almost to the day he learned to sit, and does it well! He doesn't like baby food..at all. Not hot, not cold, not somewhere in between. He doesn't like green beans, peaches or sweet potatoes, not with rice or oatmeal added. He doesn't like it. (not in the rain, not on a train, not with a fox, not in a box...etc...) He sucks his bottom lip up and under his top gums and then puts his upper lip down over it. Just try getting a spoon in there. And when you do manage to get a spoon in he will spit it at you violently or arch his back and cry. He does.not.like.food.  He will take a bottle of breastmilk IF you get it the right temperature, and let me assure you..that temperature is not an easy one to hit. (I think he changes it... keeps me guessing.) If this kid weens before age 1 after all this trauma we've gone through, let's just say I will not be impressed! I am, however, impressed with his ability to resist food. He is a social little guy, and hates being left in the other room, even if surrounded by a pile of the funnest toys ever. Or in a bouncer, or anywhere. He loves to be held and smiled at and played with. He basically thinks all my time should be spent with him. I agree, until I look around at the shambles that is my house and other 2 kids! He sleeps well at night, usually goes down between 6:30pm and 7:30pm ...I wake him at 9:30pm to feed him then he sleeps from about 10pm to 6am. Although this morning he slept til 7am. I could get used to that! He has been on reflux meds since the beginning of January and it really seems to help his cough. I also cut out as much dairy as I can and taht has been the biggest help of all, it seems! I am so thankful to not have to try the asthma meds since this seems to be working. All in all, he's such a great little addition to our family, and keeps us on our toes!