I lost "control" and it scared me. A lot.

What a week.

On Sunday, I wasn't feeling well so Luke was feeding the kids dinner. I was trying to be in my room and watch TV and relax but I just felt so bad not helping out. I kept coming out of the room to see everyone, then going back in because I really just didn't feel good. At one point I came out just as Kaden was getting down from the table and was crying that his eyes hurt. He said he must have gotten peanut butter in them. (He had been eating celery with peanut butter, chicken enchilada pasta, and mango, and a sandwhich, i think... he eats a lot!) Luke wiped his eyes and bit and sent Kaden to me. I took a look and since they were watery and looking kind of (but barely) swollen I did a saline rinse on them. I told him not to touch them and headed back to my room. About a minute later, for some reason I came back out again and Luke told me to look at Kaden's eyes again. This time they were definitely swollen, but still nothing to freak out about. For some reason, I did though. I felt so dumb. I gave him a dose of benedryl, then Kaden sat on the step and started coughing and, for some unknown reason, I couldn't handle it. I asked Luke (more demanded) to take him to the ER, even if they just sat outside until we knew he was ok. I knew that coughing can be a sign of trouble breathing, but he had a little cold so I knew it probably wasn't. I knew I was being paranoid, and ridiculous, and all those other things.

Luke left with strict instructions to call me when they got there. I called a friend and told her what was going on and that I was freaked out, but not sure why. At some point I looked at the phone. It had been 7 minutes. It doesn't take 7 minutes to get to the hospital!!! I freaked! I called Luke and found out that by the time he got there Kaden's eyes were completely swollen. Even the whites of his eyes had swollen around the colored part. He had taken him into the ER and by the time they got inside his eyes were basically swollen shut. When I was talking to him they were already getting a IV line in, epinephrine pushed, and of course, steroids. He couldn't talk long...

Fast forward a few minutes and Luke calls me back. This time I can hear Kaden crying in the background and my heart was broken. He told me that Kaden had thrown up when they gave him the epinephrine and that he was looking pretty bad and very very uncomfortable. His whole face was swollen, and they weren't sure if his breathing was affected or not. He wasn't responding as well to the medicines as they had hoped but was doing fine. They had moved him to a bigger room in the ER, and the doctor had informed Luke that Kaden would be admitted and kept overnight. Oddly, that was a relief.

A couple friends came over to watch my kids, but I had to stick around long enough to get the other 2 kids to bed (including feeding Kamden). At that point, I got another call letting me know that Kaden would be sent to the ICU so that he would be monitored more closely. I can't describe the feeling that goes through you when you find out that your baby is going to be in the ICU. It was all so very unreal. When I finally got Kamden to bed and calmed enough that I could leave (they wouldn't let me bring any kids with  me) I went straight to see my boy.

I only spent about 2 hours with him up in the ICU, and he looked so bad. So so bad. But he was much better than he had been, and I think I'm thankful that I didn't see him at his worst. I don't know if this momma's heart could handle that. I hugged him and kissed him and wanted to cry...but was so happy that he was going to be ok. At this point he had  I also got to talk to the pediatrician for quite a while. We narrowed down his reaction to either peanut butter, mango or green chilis and will have to do testing later to find out for sure.

Later I found out that the "bigger room" they moved him to in the ER was the trauma (or surgery) room... the on-call surgeon was called in, and the nurses didn't leave his room even for a second. They kept calm, but it's apparent that they were not so sure they weren't going to need to trach him. Also found out later that he had been asking for mom... I'm so glad I didn't know that the whole time.

Kaden was a trooper the whole time. He cried some and was grumpy up in the ICU (well, it was like 3 1/2 hours past his bedtime and I'm sure he felt awful, not to mention the amount of drugs: epinephrine, zyrtec, benedryl (2 doses), zantac, prednisone, etc... I don't even know if I know all of the drugs he was on.) He wanted to watch Cars 2-which we let him- and then, at midnight, only agreed to try to sleep when I told him that even in the hospital there was a bedtime and that the nurse and doctor were there to tell him goodnight (narrowly escaped a meltdown with that one, i think!)

I came home and slept for about 3 hours .. I kept repeating the words to the kids' song: "I will cast all of my cares upon You, I will lay all of my burdens down at your feet, and anytime that I don't know what to do, I will cast all of my cares upon You." to finally get to sleep (also Kate and Kamden had a ROUGH night- I think they could sense the stress and commotion). As soon as we could in the morning we headed back to the hospital (this time I could bring Kate and Kamden) to see Kaden. Kate brought him his favorite stuffed animals and it was so sweet to see the excitement of them seeing each other. I know that Kate knew that something had happened and she was so excited to see her brother.

Kaden got out of the hospital a little before noon and insisted that we go to his friend Noah's house to play. (That is where Kate had gone earlier in the morning after she got bored of laying in bed with Kaden.) As far as he was concerned life was back to normal (and he never wants to stay at a hospital again!!!)

On this side of it, it's been hard. I can't speak for Luke, but for me every day and every moment has been an exersize at trusting God with my boy (kids, really). Reminding myself that God gave him to me, and God can take him at any point and my job is to praise him. Making a point to put worry and fear aside so that my 4 year old can be as normal as possible while we figure this out. And hard to know the balance of what to say to Kaden. We've tried to let him know how very important it is that he avoid certain foods and say no if he's offered them (anything peanuts and any sucker, candy, juice that could have mango flavors..just to name a few). The next morning he asked for peanut butter on his toast and when I told him no, he cried, "But I just like peanut butter SO much." We've tried to help him understand that this is a life-threatening thing for him, while not causing him to live in fear. Helping him to take on this life change and responsibility (since I can't be around him all the time) as a big boy, while still letting him be a kid. And we know that at 4 years old there is no way he can truly understand...

It's been hard too at every meal for Luke and I. We are overly cautious and paranoid. I haven't given him a strawberry even though I have some in the fridge because I know they are such a common allergy food... even though I know that wasn't what caused the reaction. I remind myself that life will go back to "normal" and that this "trauma" will fade into the past. We will grow accustomed to sending an epi-pen with him everywhere he goes, and asking friends to remember too, when he's with them. But for now, I'm remembering to treasure every moment with my kids, and purposefully reminding myself that I am not in control, and Who holds the control.

I truly believe that God placed that instinct into me to send him to the ER and that God spared him from worse reaction because of that. I did see God's hand at work throughout the process.

He has his first allergy testing appointment on Monday. While I'm a little nervous, I'm excited to be able to find out which thing he is allergic to so we can give him back a few of his comforts! Poor guy had to give up a lot of yummy things! He goes off his steroids on Sunday and I'm also super excited for that. Did you know that steroids make a boy aggressive, hyper and HUNGRY? it's a scary combo.

I mostly wrote this for myself... and for Kaden. I want him to be able to know someday exactly what happened (even though even my mind is foggy about it just a few days later) just in case he thinks he should try that food again.. and to remember for myself, just in case I start to take my kids for granted. We think we have this life under control and it's good to remember that we don't. That in just a second, in the blink of an eye, our whole world can change. And I'm so thankful that, for us, the change is just an allergy to avoid.

Nothingness, really.

This is one of those truly "One Thought in a Hundred" posts, where for every sentence that is written there are about 100 more kept silent. I've been thinking so much about so many things lately...I think my brain might explode if I don't blog. But, I kind of hope nobody reads it and am wishing for the "private" setting I had back in the days of Xanga. (I feel old just writing that.)

Lately a lot of things have been going on. If I were to draw a synthetic chart of the last 4 months of my life the main themes would be "Dealing with conflict", "Dealing with whiners", and "Dealing with life."

I'll start with the last one. I am so.darn.busy. It is just crazy. And it's not necessarily the fact that I overcommitted myself as much as the fact that there is just more to my committments now than there were when I "signed up" ...for various reasons that I can't really get into publicly. If I make it through April/May having done a job well done in all areas of my busy, crazy life I am going to be PROUD. Right now, I'm aiming for Job Well Done and expecting to reach Job Done. THis is just a fact. Not a pity party. In fact, for the most part, I enjoy all that I do...as long as I have the energy!

Dealing with whiners... I'm not trying to be mean but HOLY MOLY. First let me say... Whiners is definitely the harsh term here. But I thought of "liars" too, and that seemed harsher.... but I have come to feel that a lot of the things we "vent", "whine" or otherwise "complain" about can be straight out lies. I have heard so much whining the past 4 months I'm ready to just poke my eardrums out. Granted, at least half the whining has been from my almost 21 month old daughter...and granted, that is expected... it sure doesn't help. The other half, I won't mention names, has come from various places, and it's not necessarily the whining that does me in...it's what we choose to whine about. I keep asking God why He chooses to bless us (any of us Americans, really!) when we WHINE about every.little.thing. Can't afford this (is that really true?). Didn't get my raise/bonus (Ok, so I can be guilty of that one). Can't afford that (because, you know, we NEED that material item so badly). Etc... etc... etc... And yet I look around and see how MUCH we have. And how much the same whiners seem to be blessed with inspite of the whining. I'm not gonna lie, it's hard not to be jealous. I even found myself wondering "Do I need to start whining more? It seems to be the perfect way to get what you wanted." But, I couldn't live with myself. I have friends who've lost babies, have kids with serious illnesses, who've lost their homes, and actually really can't afford LIFE... I think the rest of us need a spanking for being so stupid.

And lastly, dealing with conflict. This one has worn me down lately. It kinda goes hand in hand with the whining. And I'll be the first to admit I know I haven't handled everything/problem that's come my way exactly right...but the Lord knows I've tried. Sometimes it feels like people are looking for ways to be offended. I promise, when I don't sit next to you, it's not that I'm being a jerk. I really just wasn't thinking about the fact that you would be offended if I sat somewhere else. I wasn't trying to say you smell. I wasn't trying to send an invisible message. Promise. If I didn't call you back right away I promise it's not because I'm avoiding you (and if I am, just give me 2 hours..I'm probably just dealing with my whining daughter)...more likely it's because I've gotten (and tend to get) at least 18 phone calls every time I get in the shower or go into the other room, or someone is at my house and I can't answer. If I didn't respond to your facebook/email it's just because I hate responding to messages, or I don't know what I have to say, or honestly, I probably even (GASP) forgot! If I walked by you in Walmart the other day- sorry- I was on a mission. I normally am. Just ask Rachel O.. I think she could have spit on me in Albertsons the other day and I may not have noticed ...thankfully she just laughed at my complete dorkiness... It really seems that we need to take a step back from each situation and realize that we don't know what's going on in the other person's life... instead of coming to the conclusion that we should probably be incredibly offended by their (hardly offensive) behavior.

I know I can get better at these things. But, in the meantime, can we just put some big girl panties on and just assume the best? Going deeper...some of the conflict has been deeper. Whether it be family issues, or big mountains of "I didn't see that coming"... or whatever. Its not just me..I've seen conflict everywhere..it's crazy to me how we as Americans (or just people in general, probably) claim we "hate conflict" and yet we seem to do it SO much. It's just driving me nuts...

So, in order to turn this from a completely venting blog into something worth the last 5 minutes of my time..I'm going to tell you what I've decided from this... I can't handle it anymore. If you whine to me...I promise to listen with an open ear...but only to a point. Then I promise to be horribly honest...in a kind way...and I hope you can do the same for me. Lets don't fall together into that PIT. (I can totally understand a quick vent. But not a pit.) If you are offended by me, I challenge you to tell me, but please, first realize that I (and most ppl out there) don't go around seeking ways to offend people. Especially not my friends, or people I need to associate with regularly.

Really, I hope you didn't just read this..and if you did, that you'll give me a break. And if you read this, assume I'm not talking about you in this post. I'm not that dumb.

Just some random thoughts...

I am to the point where I'd pay good money to know why I can't sleep so often.

I went back and was reading old blogs (this is why I blog. You think I do it for you, but really, I love the (rare) times when I go back and read.) It's hard to believe it's been almost a year since some of the blog posts I was reading. Wow, what a year we had last year. Between pregnancy, birth of Kate, Gallbladder surgery, MRI's, EKG's, Bladder testing, lumps removed, church/relationship hurts and frustrations, etc..it was a rough time. I am so happy to look back and remember how HARD it was, and yet see how I handled it. God really does give us the strenth to handle what we face. And today I am so thankful that all of it turned out ok. Maybe not how I wanted, but it turned out ok.

Lately, I've noticed how often I think "Wow, I'm blessed." And tonight I realized it's because this year has been so totally different. Yah, we've had some issues (tonsil surgery, and other small things) but, wow, it's been a good year. Nothing like hardship to help you know what GOOD is.

Also, I was reading about Kaden when he was Kate's age....and I was right, he did have a ton of words. It will never cease to amaze me how different Kaden and Katelyn are. I LOVE IT. God gave me such blessings when He gave me them.

Right Here at Home

Nothing like watching some video coverage of a town torn apart by a tornado to put my problems in perspective!

Also seeing the pictures/videos of my hometown and the flood that is, and is coming.

It reminds me of that country song...I don't know the title. One of the main chorus lines is "I've got problems, right here at home." I think it fits. It seems that the weather is beating up all different areas and we all have our problems "right here at home."

I can't say Gillette has seen it's share yet, but I also wouldn't say I'm holding my breath against it!

But my problem "right here at home" is my sick baby girl. How many appointments, fevers, meds, etc...can this girl possibly have? It's certainly wearing on me. I'm praying for real answers...not just more meds.

But my perspective has changed. My problems are small compared to many.

Worry

Last night I was awake from 2-4am. I hate being awake in the night-especially during busy weeks like this one. AND it's the 3rd night in a row, on top of several previous nights of little sleep from being up for sickies. Anyway, that wasn't the point of this blog. The point was, while I've been awake I've had a lot of time to think. Now, I wouldn't say I'm a "worry-wort" or anything like that...but I do have my moments. Last night:...about the bridal shower I have coming up (I always stress about these things, and after they are done I always wonder why! Specifically this time-that I'll get what my family has and not be able to do it!) About Kaden's appointment with the ENT Specialist today...and while thinking about that Kaden would cough and I'd be reminded that his fever was still going strong and his Pediatrician told me if it went 48 more hours we needed to do more testing (we are now down to 6 hours...it's not looking hopeful!) and I just started to worry. I thought about the what-ifs. What if they want to do surgery right away... what if they can't do surgery til he's well (HE'S NEVER WELL!)...what if's about surgery...And then I would stop myself. I'd start praying (if you've been in contact with me within the last 6 months in anyway there's a good chance you got prayed for!) And it's kinda neat, God's brought several songs to my mind that I didn't even know I knew the words to! But all of that reminded me of one thing...

Matthew 6:25-34. Specifically vs 27 and 34 which read "Who of you by worry can add a single hour to his life?.....But seek first His kingdom and his righteousness..."
So many times we are told don't worry. It's wrong to worry. Just stop worrying. But how? By seeking Christ. It works. I'm here to tell you! And it's amazing how it doesn't just stop the worry...it reaps many more blessings and answered prayers. Because instead of wasting time worrying you are praying-thus having prayers to be answered! Or you're singing...and God gets to pop that song in your head that you never thought you knew (it's a blessing!) It's just so cool. The annoying thing is that the devil doesn't stop giving you something to worry about...so it's a constant battle.
This has been my constant challenge for about a year. When the gallbladder pain started and it felt like I was going to die-and no answers! Then surgery! Then tests on my heart and brain, then a lump removed-where we hoped it wasn't cancer and worried that it was. When Kate was tested for a problem with her bladder-which they had expected since I was 20 weeks pregnant. And now with all this sickness and facing yet another surgery-this time for Kaden and his tonsils. It's minor. But I tend to worry. He's my little boy-it's so hard not to! But I keep going back to these verses...

broke

I cried today. (a lot)

Right after I told my mother in law that I hate to cry and rarely do because my face breaks out into this mass of broken blood vessels and swollen eyes.

It doesn't really matter what I cried about or why. What I learned is that after the kind of stress I've been feeling..which several previous posts have given you glimpses of...sometimes you just gotta let it out.

On Tuesday the surgeon called to say that the lump wasn't cancer-or any other horrible thing- and this was the last "big" thing stressing me out. After the call I expected to feel this immediate relief from all things stress. This great weight lifted off my shoulder. A weight of stress that started in the beginning of November (really, earlier if I'm to be completely honest) and just built from what seemed like all sides. But I didn't feel it. I expected to have all this uncontrollable energy, boundless smiles, and carefree thoughts. When I got the call, yah, i smiled, and yah i was excited...but then I was just exhausted. I didn't feel any different.

Now, to be fair, not all the stress in my life was "bad" stress. Like the scrapbook and deadline. That was really fun to do, and I wouldn't trade it for anything. But, still stress. Some of the other stress of relationships (family and friends), illness/tests (for 3 out of 4 of us) and money were unavoidable, and bad stress. Still other parts of my stress level were avoidable and totally my own fault. I kept a lot to myself to "deal with" on my own. My fears, mostly. I prayed a lot and thought that should be enough. I even told myself that I shouldn't be stressed about it (mostly the medical) and to buck up. If I had it to do over again I would be more open to share-not just the facts-but the fears and feelings. Still not maybe with the whole world. but at least with my own family.

I've learned something about either myself or stress. I'm guessing both. If it takes 2 months to go up...it will probably take more than a few moments (or a phone call) to go back down. My expectations were, literally, quite rediculous. and I cracked. I think I cracked because on top of how I'd been feeling for 2 months, I felt like it should all be DONE now. I should be carefree and energetic. And when I wasn't, I wondered what was wrong-and my unmet expectations stopped me from "detoxing".

In the past, I've dealt with a lot of stress. This is definitely not the first time of my life I've felt a load of stress. (For example, when we graduated, moved to WY, had a baby, had $0 to our name, and didn't have a single friend in town....) I think the biggest difference is this stress affected my KIDS. And my family. Not just me. And on top of that most of it had potential to be life changing-in a bad way.

What I'm saying is- i learned a lot. I have grown a lot. and I needed a great big cry to get my attention. Now I can let myself detox in a healthy way.

And I CAN'T wait to get home and get back to "normal" life. And when I say that, don't get me wrong. My kids are still sick, and not everything's perfect back home. But, I do have a lot less on my mind than when we left home!

I just reread this blog-and it isn't saying what I mean at all. I think because I can't put it into words. So i keep starting a new paragraph to try again. I get it now though. That's all that matters. And I feel like now a great weight HAS been lifted...

I Said A Little Prayer

Today I went shopping in Great Falls...ALL BY MYSELF.
I've never liked shopping alone, but after the craziness of the last month it was just what I needed. As I was driving to Ross I got to thinking about the lump I had removed a week ago. I didn't think about it a whole lot until all the festivities were over and I didn't have distraction. Then every time I moved my arm and felt the incision I wondered. The surgeon had told me NOT to expect results before Wednesday because of the holidays, and his surgery days. So I prayed. During that prayer at some point I said something to the effect of "God, I really just want to know. Could you maybe have the surgeon call me today instead of tomorrow?" It was 4pm.
I went into Ross and as I was trying on some clothes my phone rang. It was the surgeon on his cell phone. He said "Hi Bethany?" "Yes" "I usually don't call on surgery days, but I thought I should call you." slight pause: (Heart fluttering...good news? bad news???? is it GOOD if the surgeon is doing something he normally wouldn't? Or is that bad???? AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!) "I have some good news....."

What an awesome God we serve! He answered my little teeny tiny prayer from way down here among millions of prayers...

Now, one thing you need to know is that at my appointment I asked "So I'll find out if I have cancer or not?" and the surgeon said "Yes, but you will also be given a name for exactly what it is." Cool. So...he says to me "I know I told you there would be a name for what you have...but it's pretty rare, and there really isn't a name for it." Then he rattled off the medically-confusing-not-really-a-name-term for it. He said it's basically where the connecting ligaments/tissues form lumps. This explains why they were so confused as to the location of the lump. Not in the breast. Not in the lymph nodes. Not really anywhere normal.
So there you go. It's almost a new year and my new year's hope is that we won't have to meet a deductible. (However, Kaden's tonsils aren't exactly cooperating with that hope...which is why it isn't a resolution.) :)

Today I am having a lump removed from my shoulder area. The doctors are saying they don't think it's a high risk thing since it's not in the lymph nodes or breast, but the fact that after thinking he didn't want to take it out, to changing his mind RIGHT after feeling/seeing it makes me nervous. I'm nervous. It's not very easy for me to admit that normally. Lately, after so many doctors/tests/etc..I've gotten good at waiting for results. But it seems like the results keep getting more and more "iffy" and the waiting gets longer and longer. God has really been teaching me patience. But most of all He's been teaching me to trust. Not just Him either. Actually, through everything I feel like I've trusted God and His sovereignty easier than I've trusted doctor's and their tests. And more than I've trusted my friends/family with even the knowledge of what we've been facing. I talked to my brother who's here, and who watched my kids for the appointment this morning, and he didn't even know what my appointment was for. For all he knew it was just a yearly physical, or a sore throat....until someone asked him if I'd had my "surgery" yet. He thought they were asking about my gallbladder back in July. In fact, besides Luke's parents (which have only known for a day or 2) I don't know if any of his family knows, and my parents are the only ones in my family. After that discussion I started realizing that in uncertain circumstances it's important to trust in our almighty God....but there is a lot to be said for allowing people into my life to pray for me. Sure, I've let a few people know. a VERY few. and even they didn't know right away. I want to be someone who trusts God and people enough to share my struggles, even though it's hard to be transparent like that. Especially with my own family who would be more than happy to pray for me.

Also, I'll know the results next week sometime. I'll post as soon as I know, so you don't have to wonder if I have cancer!!!

This Post Does Not Have a Title.

I literally just sat here for 2 minutes with my fingers positioned and....nothin'. (Annnnnd...it just happened again.) There's been so much going on in our "neck of the woods" and it seems like I'd have so much to write...it's just that I don't feel like it. Not at all.

I can't wait until January 1. Some days I think it's going to be like this magical day. One where all our bills vanish. (HA!) Where we are suddenly well. And where time slows down and the "to do" list shrinks. And I let myself believe it.

Other days I tell myself I better quit living in that dreamland and SOON. Sometimes life is just tough. Lately, I've felt ganged up on in many areas. Mostly health-wise and financially. I feel like we no sooner get one doctor to clear us and we start the next. While I'm on the subject, you can say a little prayer for us on Wednesday-which happens to be the next Dr. appointment-this time with my surgeon. I'll blog more about that later. For now, you can just pray that it'll all work out-preferrably before Jan 1.

When I start feeling ganged up on I have options. Sometimes I choose to look back and think "Yep, I'm right. First it was sick and pregnant. Then it was gallbladder surgery. then it was 9 weeks of sickness for Kaden with bouts of us in there too. Then it was me again with MRI's EKG's etc..., then it was Kate and her ER trips and testing mingled with the flu and colds circulating again, then it was me again. and I haven't even mentioned the relationship struggles, church struggles, and our hail damage..." And then I feel really depressed and defeated. Other times I choose to think about how much I've grown. I've seen God's provision-in finances, timing, etc. I've seen God's mercy and love. And I would say my close relationships have been strengthened. I wouldn't take that back for anything.

This all came to me as I've been pondering my Christmas Letter. The one that's actually a New Years letter because I never get it done til we go to my parents house for vacation. I wondered how to write about a year of struggles, sickness, hurt, and frustration. I pondered writing in "top 10" style..and part of me doesn't want to because it just wouldn't be fair to "act" like life has been so good, when i feel so beat down. But the more I think about it, the more I want to. I want to focus on the good. I want to focus on "whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy..." that's what I want to think about. I want to tell about my year in a way that God will be exalted.

so. be expecting that. It'll be posted on here sometime in January.

Pee On The Table, Please!

If you want to see a brief update on Kate and her tests you can read the previous post. This one is more the thoughts that came from her testing.

For one of Kate's tests they filled her bladder with fluid/dye and watched through a big scary machine to see how her bladder and kidneys worked and if there was anything wrong. The very end of the test is that when they take out the catheter they ask the person to
"Pee on the table please." There is no option. Whether you are 7 months old or 55 years old. You must pee on the table. This is so they can watch your bladder expel fluid and whether does that properly, and whether it empties all the way.

Talking to the nurses beforehand they told me it's really hard to do this test on 2-3 year olds because they don't understand. They KNOW they get in trouble for peeing anywhere but there diaper or the toilet. They also know that it's embarrassing to pee on the table. But the mom has to keep them there until they just do what they are told.

I wonder how many times God asks us to do something that we feel is absurd and downright outlandish. How often does God ask us to "Pee on the table, please?" and we say "No, I know that's not what I should do." or we think we know what the consequences of such an action woudl be. How often do we think we know better than God? How often does he keep us in a situation until we just can't "hold it" anymore and break down and "pee"?

I don't really have a good example of this in my life. But part of me wonders if I do. I wish it were as simple as Him just telling me to pee!

Do YOU need to go ahead and just pee on the table? It's just a thought.

I Thessalonians 5:16-18

I don't remember the last time I watered my plants. (they don't either, I'm guessing, by the looks of their curled up dry leaves).

My kitchen floor is half chipboard, half plywood, and it will be like that indefinitely.

My kitchen sink is stuffed with dirty dishes. (we won't talk about the countertops)

my kitchen table didn't get wiped down after dinner last night. (Or breakfast, or lunch, for that matter.)

my bathroom shower has been in the process of being cleaned for 24 hours now, thanks to my children and their amazing ability to need me right when I'm back at it.

my laundry has been in the process of being done for 3 days. It's not looking good for getting done today.

We (luke and I) have been challenged to think through the most important issues in life, church, and relationships...and are reminded that it's iron that sharpens iron...not anything soft and cuddly.

my yard needs raked (AGAIN).

We've had 3 dr. appointments this week, and more in the near future, with no conclusions found. (lets don't even talk about the money that goes along with that)

my son has decided the mom's voice is un-hearable, and therefore, he can do as he pleases.

and the rest of my house isn't much better than the previous list.

And I don't know when my inlaws are getting here. (hopefully after I get done procrastinating, and get this place back in order!)

However. I will remember what Pastor Gary preached about on Sunday and CHOOSE to "Be joyful always, pray continually, give thanks in ALL circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

Amen. I'm so thankful to have a God that tells us to be joyful, give thanks, etc...instead of telling us to look to ourselves for our strength, look out for #1, and bask in our own woes and worries... I'd be so miserable.

Somewhat Stressed

I have people coming over for dinner tonight, my house is a disaster, I need to be ready to take wallpaper off my dining room by Thursday, heading to Rapid on the weekend and have people coming on Friday night. As well as, Bible study, softball, committee meeting, hair cut, and 3 shows to close.

Why does it seem that in the summer things take twice as long as they would have in the winter??? Or it is just the 2 kids versus 1. Or have days grown shorter? Or am I slower?

Also, I feel much more stressed in the summer when it's nice and sunny and beautiful. I'm much more relaxed in the winter when its grey and cold and drab. Does this say bad things about my personality? Or is it the grey and drab that causes one to feel the need to be cozy and stress free?

I think summer makes me think I am superwoman. It's always in the nicest part of summer that I get these crazy ideas to paint and rip down wallpaper and have bbq's and play softball and join Bible Studies, and get my hair cut and have company over a LOT more often....etc...

I know this is almost heresy, but I {almost} can't wait for winter. Then I can bake without waiting for a "cool" day, find solace in the fact that I didn't make it out of the house that day, and drink coffee without ice.

My conclusions: I AM busier in the summer, and therefore more stressed. However, I'm not TOO busy, it's just that when I'm busy I still take the time to play outside with Kaden, and that gives me a few less hours each day. In the winter, I could be the same amount of busy, but easily fore-go outside playtime and not feel so stressed. But I'm not giving up my outside time!

How do you title a post like this?

Today I found out that a young girl who I coached in volleyball in 2007 died early this morning in a car accident.

When you get that kind of news your heart just stops for a moment. As a mom I can't imagine the pain her mother is facing right at this moment. As a coach I can't imagine the (extremely) active girl gone. As a Christian I am torn apart...wishing I could be rejoicing instead. As a role model, I hope I did my job well. I was around her a LOT when I lived in Butte...I just can't believe it.

The last time I saw her was in May, when Kate was 2 weeks old. She held Kate and told me over and over how beautiful my baby girl was. She was getting ready for a dance, and she was as talkative and bouncy as ever. (And if you knew Rachel, you know bouncy might very well be the perfect word to describe her.) I'm glad I have that one last memory of her.



My 2007 volleyball team at my house for an end of the year party. Rachel is the girl in the green and white striped shirt. She was a spitfire, for sure. She was a leader, never a follower, and made us laugh a LOT. She was a typical girl who giggled a lot, talked even MORE, and had a new crush weekly! And sometimes drove us adults crazy! We loved her anyway!

If you think of it as you go about your day, say a prayer for her family and friends.