I lost "control" and it scared me. A lot.

What a week.

On Sunday, I wasn't feeling well so Luke was feeding the kids dinner. I was trying to be in my room and watch TV and relax but I just felt so bad not helping out. I kept coming out of the room to see everyone, then going back in because I really just didn't feel good. At one point I came out just as Kaden was getting down from the table and was crying that his eyes hurt. He said he must have gotten peanut butter in them. (He had been eating celery with peanut butter, chicken enchilada pasta, and mango, and a sandwhich, i think... he eats a lot!) Luke wiped his eyes and bit and sent Kaden to me. I took a look and since they were watery and looking kind of (but barely) swollen I did a saline rinse on them. I told him not to touch them and headed back to my room. About a minute later, for some reason I came back out again and Luke told me to look at Kaden's eyes again. This time they were definitely swollen, but still nothing to freak out about. For some reason, I did though. I felt so dumb. I gave him a dose of benedryl, then Kaden sat on the step and started coughing and, for some unknown reason, I couldn't handle it. I asked Luke (more demanded) to take him to the ER, even if they just sat outside until we knew he was ok. I knew that coughing can be a sign of trouble breathing, but he had a little cold so I knew it probably wasn't. I knew I was being paranoid, and ridiculous, and all those other things.

Luke left with strict instructions to call me when they got there. I called a friend and told her what was going on and that I was freaked out, but not sure why. At some point I looked at the phone. It had been 7 minutes. It doesn't take 7 minutes to get to the hospital!!! I freaked! I called Luke and found out that by the time he got there Kaden's eyes were completely swollen. Even the whites of his eyes had swollen around the colored part. He had taken him into the ER and by the time they got inside his eyes were basically swollen shut. When I was talking to him they were already getting a IV line in, epinephrine pushed, and of course, steroids. He couldn't talk long...

Fast forward a few minutes and Luke calls me back. This time I can hear Kaden crying in the background and my heart was broken. He told me that Kaden had thrown up when they gave him the epinephrine and that he was looking pretty bad and very very uncomfortable. His whole face was swollen, and they weren't sure if his breathing was affected or not. He wasn't responding as well to the medicines as they had hoped but was doing fine. They had moved him to a bigger room in the ER, and the doctor had informed Luke that Kaden would be admitted and kept overnight. Oddly, that was a relief.

A couple friends came over to watch my kids, but I had to stick around long enough to get the other 2 kids to bed (including feeding Kamden). At that point, I got another call letting me know that Kaden would be sent to the ICU so that he would be monitored more closely. I can't describe the feeling that goes through you when you find out that your baby is going to be in the ICU. It was all so very unreal. When I finally got Kamden to bed and calmed enough that I could leave (they wouldn't let me bring any kids with  me) I went straight to see my boy.

I only spent about 2 hours with him up in the ICU, and he looked so bad. So so bad. But he was much better than he had been, and I think I'm thankful that I didn't see him at his worst. I don't know if this momma's heart could handle that. I hugged him and kissed him and wanted to cry...but was so happy that he was going to be ok. At this point he had  I also got to talk to the pediatrician for quite a while. We narrowed down his reaction to either peanut butter, mango or green chilis and will have to do testing later to find out for sure.

Later I found out that the "bigger room" they moved him to in the ER was the trauma (or surgery) room... the on-call surgeon was called in, and the nurses didn't leave his room even for a second. They kept calm, but it's apparent that they were not so sure they weren't going to need to trach him. Also found out later that he had been asking for mom... I'm so glad I didn't know that the whole time.

Kaden was a trooper the whole time. He cried some and was grumpy up in the ICU (well, it was like 3 1/2 hours past his bedtime and I'm sure he felt awful, not to mention the amount of drugs: epinephrine, zyrtec, benedryl (2 doses), zantac, prednisone, etc... I don't even know if I know all of the drugs he was on.) He wanted to watch Cars 2-which we let him- and then, at midnight, only agreed to try to sleep when I told him that even in the hospital there was a bedtime and that the nurse and doctor were there to tell him goodnight (narrowly escaped a meltdown with that one, i think!)

I came home and slept for about 3 hours .. I kept repeating the words to the kids' song: "I will cast all of my cares upon You, I will lay all of my burdens down at your feet, and anytime that I don't know what to do, I will cast all of my cares upon You." to finally get to sleep (also Kate and Kamden had a ROUGH night- I think they could sense the stress and commotion). As soon as we could in the morning we headed back to the hospital (this time I could bring Kate and Kamden) to see Kaden. Kate brought him his favorite stuffed animals and it was so sweet to see the excitement of them seeing each other. I know that Kate knew that something had happened and she was so excited to see her brother.

Kaden got out of the hospital a little before noon and insisted that we go to his friend Noah's house to play. (That is where Kate had gone earlier in the morning after she got bored of laying in bed with Kaden.) As far as he was concerned life was back to normal (and he never wants to stay at a hospital again!!!)

On this side of it, it's been hard. I can't speak for Luke, but for me every day and every moment has been an exersize at trusting God with my boy (kids, really). Reminding myself that God gave him to me, and God can take him at any point and my job is to praise him. Making a point to put worry and fear aside so that my 4 year old can be as normal as possible while we figure this out. And hard to know the balance of what to say to Kaden. We've tried to let him know how very important it is that he avoid certain foods and say no if he's offered them (anything peanuts and any sucker, candy, juice that could have mango flavors..just to name a few). The next morning he asked for peanut butter on his toast and when I told him no, he cried, "But I just like peanut butter SO much." We've tried to help him understand that this is a life-threatening thing for him, while not causing him to live in fear. Helping him to take on this life change and responsibility (since I can't be around him all the time) as a big boy, while still letting him be a kid. And we know that at 4 years old there is no way he can truly understand...

It's been hard too at every meal for Luke and I. We are overly cautious and paranoid. I haven't given him a strawberry even though I have some in the fridge because I know they are such a common allergy food... even though I know that wasn't what caused the reaction. I remind myself that life will go back to "normal" and that this "trauma" will fade into the past. We will grow accustomed to sending an epi-pen with him everywhere he goes, and asking friends to remember too, when he's with them. But for now, I'm remembering to treasure every moment with my kids, and purposefully reminding myself that I am not in control, and Who holds the control.

I truly believe that God placed that instinct into me to send him to the ER and that God spared him from worse reaction because of that. I did see God's hand at work throughout the process.

He has his first allergy testing appointment on Monday. While I'm a little nervous, I'm excited to be able to find out which thing he is allergic to so we can give him back a few of his comforts! Poor guy had to give up a lot of yummy things! He goes off his steroids on Sunday and I'm also super excited for that. Did you know that steroids make a boy aggressive, hyper and HUNGRY? it's a scary combo.

I mostly wrote this for myself... and for Kaden. I want him to be able to know someday exactly what happened (even though even my mind is foggy about it just a few days later) just in case he thinks he should try that food again.. and to remember for myself, just in case I start to take my kids for granted. We think we have this life under control and it's good to remember that we don't. That in just a second, in the blink of an eye, our whole world can change. And I'm so thankful that, for us, the change is just an allergy to avoid.

Worry

Last night I was awake from 2-4am. I hate being awake in the night-especially during busy weeks like this one. AND it's the 3rd night in a row, on top of several previous nights of little sleep from being up for sickies. Anyway, that wasn't the point of this blog. The point was, while I've been awake I've had a lot of time to think. Now, I wouldn't say I'm a "worry-wort" or anything like that...but I do have my moments. Last night:...about the bridal shower I have coming up (I always stress about these things, and after they are done I always wonder why! Specifically this time-that I'll get what my family has and not be able to do it!) About Kaden's appointment with the ENT Specialist today...and while thinking about that Kaden would cough and I'd be reminded that his fever was still going strong and his Pediatrician told me if it went 48 more hours we needed to do more testing (we are now down to 6 hours...it's not looking hopeful!) and I just started to worry. I thought about the what-ifs. What if they want to do surgery right away... what if they can't do surgery til he's well (HE'S NEVER WELL!)...what if's about surgery...And then I would stop myself. I'd start praying (if you've been in contact with me within the last 6 months in anyway there's a good chance you got prayed for!) And it's kinda neat, God's brought several songs to my mind that I didn't even know I knew the words to! But all of that reminded me of one thing...

Matthew 6:25-34. Specifically vs 27 and 34 which read "Who of you by worry can add a single hour to his life?.....But seek first His kingdom and his righteousness..."
So many times we are told don't worry. It's wrong to worry. Just stop worrying. But how? By seeking Christ. It works. I'm here to tell you! And it's amazing how it doesn't just stop the worry...it reaps many more blessings and answered prayers. Because instead of wasting time worrying you are praying-thus having prayers to be answered! Or you're singing...and God gets to pop that song in your head that you never thought you knew (it's a blessing!) It's just so cool. The annoying thing is that the devil doesn't stop giving you something to worry about...so it's a constant battle.
This has been my constant challenge for about a year. When the gallbladder pain started and it felt like I was going to die-and no answers! Then surgery! Then tests on my heart and brain, then a lump removed-where we hoped it wasn't cancer and worried that it was. When Kate was tested for a problem with her bladder-which they had expected since I was 20 weeks pregnant. And now with all this sickness and facing yet another surgery-this time for Kaden and his tonsils. It's minor. But I tend to worry. He's my little boy-it's so hard not to! But I keep going back to these verses...