broke

I cried today. (a lot)

Right after I told my mother in law that I hate to cry and rarely do because my face breaks out into this mass of broken blood vessels and swollen eyes.

It doesn't really matter what I cried about or why. What I learned is that after the kind of stress I've been feeling..which several previous posts have given you glimpses of...sometimes you just gotta let it out.

On Tuesday the surgeon called to say that the lump wasn't cancer-or any other horrible thing- and this was the last "big" thing stressing me out. After the call I expected to feel this immediate relief from all things stress. This great weight lifted off my shoulder. A weight of stress that started in the beginning of November (really, earlier if I'm to be completely honest) and just built from what seemed like all sides. But I didn't feel it. I expected to have all this uncontrollable energy, boundless smiles, and carefree thoughts. When I got the call, yah, i smiled, and yah i was excited...but then I was just exhausted. I didn't feel any different.

Now, to be fair, not all the stress in my life was "bad" stress. Like the scrapbook and deadline. That was really fun to do, and I wouldn't trade it for anything. But, still stress. Some of the other stress of relationships (family and friends), illness/tests (for 3 out of 4 of us) and money were unavoidable, and bad stress. Still other parts of my stress level were avoidable and totally my own fault. I kept a lot to myself to "deal with" on my own. My fears, mostly. I prayed a lot and thought that should be enough. I even told myself that I shouldn't be stressed about it (mostly the medical) and to buck up. If I had it to do over again I would be more open to share-not just the facts-but the fears and feelings. Still not maybe with the whole world. but at least with my own family.

I've learned something about either myself or stress. I'm guessing both. If it takes 2 months to go up...it will probably take more than a few moments (or a phone call) to go back down. My expectations were, literally, quite rediculous. and I cracked. I think I cracked because on top of how I'd been feeling for 2 months, I felt like it should all be DONE now. I should be carefree and energetic. And when I wasn't, I wondered what was wrong-and my unmet expectations stopped me from "detoxing".

In the past, I've dealt with a lot of stress. This is definitely not the first time of my life I've felt a load of stress. (For example, when we graduated, moved to WY, had a baby, had $0 to our name, and didn't have a single friend in town....) I think the biggest difference is this stress affected my KIDS. And my family. Not just me. And on top of that most of it had potential to be life changing-in a bad way.

What I'm saying is- i learned a lot. I have grown a lot. and I needed a great big cry to get my attention. Now I can let myself detox in a healthy way.

And I CAN'T wait to get home and get back to "normal" life. And when I say that, don't get me wrong. My kids are still sick, and not everything's perfect back home. But, I do have a lot less on my mind than when we left home!

I just reread this blog-and it isn't saying what I mean at all. I think because I can't put it into words. So i keep starting a new paragraph to try again. I get it now though. That's all that matters. And I feel like now a great weight HAS been lifted...