Meet: My Family. The People You Never Knew You Needed to Know

I'm sitting here thoroughly enjoying the kids' naptime. I don't really have a lot to say, but it just seemed appropriate to blog while the kids were down! So, I think I'll post some pictures to inspire me!

Picture #1
These are my amazing Grandparents. They "adopted" our family the same time I was born and have loved on us ever since. In some ways they are the "realest" grandparents I've known! I just love them. They celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary in June and that was what I was making the scrapbook for. We had a surprise party for them on December 26th and it was a complete hit. AND every family member (all 28 of us) was able to be there for the special party. At the end we gave them money to buy some recliners and we could tell it had meant a lot to them. Its memories I'll never 0forget.

Picture #2
This is My immediate family with Grandma and Gramps...my how we've grown. Wish I had an old pic for comparison. But I am just to lazy to ever scan in pictures!

Picture #3
This is my Grandparents with their real family...kids and grandkids. There's a lot of them too...it's fun to look back and pictures of their girls with us as babies, then of us with their kids as babies, and now their kids with my babies...

Picture #4
Meet my twin brother Brandon. Yes. My twin. But older by 5 minutes. I show you his picture first because I want you to notice how we look the least alike of anyone in my family. We are as different as Kaden and Katelyn are different. I like having a twin now. I didn't think much of it growing up. Would I want to have twins? Never. Anyway, for all you single ladies reading-he is 26 and single. Great catch if you ask me...just sayin'!

Picture #5
Meet my brother Jeremy. (He's the one ON the rocking horse.)He's the middle child. He's also the one I blame Kaden on! A talker and debate-master. A pro at both, really. It was fun to see how much Kaden is like him (and how much he will deny that) while we were together at Christmas. Jeremy tries to live in Never Never Land and never wants to grow up (if you couldn't tell by the picture), His wife Allison is good for him.

Picture #6
Meet Andrew. He's my 2nd to oldest brother. He was too busy playing with my kids to get a picture of just him. Andrew's the dare-devil, fearless one. He says I'm just a worry wort. I think he's crazy. I guess we're even. Also a great catch....

Picture #7
And finally...Meet Aaron. He's my oldest brother. (Yes...4 if you counted right...all older.) He's the engineer. The level head. The thinker of the family. He has some pretty cute little boys too... This is a self portrait. Let's just say he's better at scenery. Also, yes, that is me in the background. Blerg.

Picture #8
I guess I shouldn't leave off my parents. So here they are...my mom and dad. They are pretty cool grandparents and adore all 4 grandchildren. Mom cooks up a storm whenever we're all home and I feel bad that she works so hard. Dad's usually found in his garage or with his stereo sytsem with one of "the boys." (they hate when I call them that.) THey keep saying they are going to retire...but I'll believe it when I see it.

broke

I cried today. (a lot)

Right after I told my mother in law that I hate to cry and rarely do because my face breaks out into this mass of broken blood vessels and swollen eyes.

It doesn't really matter what I cried about or why. What I learned is that after the kind of stress I've been feeling..which several previous posts have given you glimpses of...sometimes you just gotta let it out.

On Tuesday the surgeon called to say that the lump wasn't cancer-or any other horrible thing- and this was the last "big" thing stressing me out. After the call I expected to feel this immediate relief from all things stress. This great weight lifted off my shoulder. A weight of stress that started in the beginning of November (really, earlier if I'm to be completely honest) and just built from what seemed like all sides. But I didn't feel it. I expected to have all this uncontrollable energy, boundless smiles, and carefree thoughts. When I got the call, yah, i smiled, and yah i was excited...but then I was just exhausted. I didn't feel any different.

Now, to be fair, not all the stress in my life was "bad" stress. Like the scrapbook and deadline. That was really fun to do, and I wouldn't trade it for anything. But, still stress. Some of the other stress of relationships (family and friends), illness/tests (for 3 out of 4 of us) and money were unavoidable, and bad stress. Still other parts of my stress level were avoidable and totally my own fault. I kept a lot to myself to "deal with" on my own. My fears, mostly. I prayed a lot and thought that should be enough. I even told myself that I shouldn't be stressed about it (mostly the medical) and to buck up. If I had it to do over again I would be more open to share-not just the facts-but the fears and feelings. Still not maybe with the whole world. but at least with my own family.

I've learned something about either myself or stress. I'm guessing both. If it takes 2 months to go up...it will probably take more than a few moments (or a phone call) to go back down. My expectations were, literally, quite rediculous. and I cracked. I think I cracked because on top of how I'd been feeling for 2 months, I felt like it should all be DONE now. I should be carefree and energetic. And when I wasn't, I wondered what was wrong-and my unmet expectations stopped me from "detoxing".

In the past, I've dealt with a lot of stress. This is definitely not the first time of my life I've felt a load of stress. (For example, when we graduated, moved to WY, had a baby, had $0 to our name, and didn't have a single friend in town....) I think the biggest difference is this stress affected my KIDS. And my family. Not just me. And on top of that most of it had potential to be life changing-in a bad way.

What I'm saying is- i learned a lot. I have grown a lot. and I needed a great big cry to get my attention. Now I can let myself detox in a healthy way.

And I CAN'T wait to get home and get back to "normal" life. And when I say that, don't get me wrong. My kids are still sick, and not everything's perfect back home. But, I do have a lot less on my mind than when we left home!

I just reread this blog-and it isn't saying what I mean at all. I think because I can't put it into words. So i keep starting a new paragraph to try again. I get it now though. That's all that matters. And I feel like now a great weight HAS been lifted...

I Said A Little Prayer

Today I went shopping in Great Falls...ALL BY MYSELF.
I've never liked shopping alone, but after the craziness of the last month it was just what I needed. As I was driving to Ross I got to thinking about the lump I had removed a week ago. I didn't think about it a whole lot until all the festivities were over and I didn't have distraction. Then every time I moved my arm and felt the incision I wondered. The surgeon had told me NOT to expect results before Wednesday because of the holidays, and his surgery days. So I prayed. During that prayer at some point I said something to the effect of "God, I really just want to know. Could you maybe have the surgeon call me today instead of tomorrow?" It was 4pm.
I went into Ross and as I was trying on some clothes my phone rang. It was the surgeon on his cell phone. He said "Hi Bethany?" "Yes" "I usually don't call on surgery days, but I thought I should call you." slight pause: (Heart fluttering...good news? bad news???? is it GOOD if the surgeon is doing something he normally wouldn't? Or is that bad???? AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!) "I have some good news....."

What an awesome God we serve! He answered my little teeny tiny prayer from way down here among millions of prayers...

Now, one thing you need to know is that at my appointment I asked "So I'll find out if I have cancer or not?" and the surgeon said "Yes, but you will also be given a name for exactly what it is." Cool. So...he says to me "I know I told you there would be a name for what you have...but it's pretty rare, and there really isn't a name for it." Then he rattled off the medically-confusing-not-really-a-name-term for it. He said it's basically where the connecting ligaments/tissues form lumps. This explains why they were so confused as to the location of the lump. Not in the breast. Not in the lymph nodes. Not really anywhere normal.
So there you go. It's almost a new year and my new year's hope is that we won't have to meet a deductible. (However, Kaden's tonsils aren't exactly cooperating with that hope...which is why it isn't a resolution.) :)

Today I am having a lump removed from my shoulder area. The doctors are saying they don't think it's a high risk thing since it's not in the lymph nodes or breast, but the fact that after thinking he didn't want to take it out, to changing his mind RIGHT after feeling/seeing it makes me nervous. I'm nervous. It's not very easy for me to admit that normally. Lately, after so many doctors/tests/etc..I've gotten good at waiting for results. But it seems like the results keep getting more and more "iffy" and the waiting gets longer and longer. God has really been teaching me patience. But most of all He's been teaching me to trust. Not just Him either. Actually, through everything I feel like I've trusted God and His sovereignty easier than I've trusted doctor's and their tests. And more than I've trusted my friends/family with even the knowledge of what we've been facing. I talked to my brother who's here, and who watched my kids for the appointment this morning, and he didn't even know what my appointment was for. For all he knew it was just a yearly physical, or a sore throat....until someone asked him if I'd had my "surgery" yet. He thought they were asking about my gallbladder back in July. In fact, besides Luke's parents (which have only known for a day or 2) I don't know if any of his family knows, and my parents are the only ones in my family. After that discussion I started realizing that in uncertain circumstances it's important to trust in our almighty God....but there is a lot to be said for allowing people into my life to pray for me. Sure, I've let a few people know. a VERY few. and even they didn't know right away. I want to be someone who trusts God and people enough to share my struggles, even though it's hard to be transparent like that. Especially with my own family who would be more than happy to pray for me.

Also, I'll know the results next week sometime. I'll post as soon as I know, so you don't have to wonder if I have cancer!!!

This Post Does Not Have a Title.

I literally just sat here for 2 minutes with my fingers positioned and....nothin'. (Annnnnd...it just happened again.) There's been so much going on in our "neck of the woods" and it seems like I'd have so much to write...it's just that I don't feel like it. Not at all.

I can't wait until January 1. Some days I think it's going to be like this magical day. One where all our bills vanish. (HA!) Where we are suddenly well. And where time slows down and the "to do" list shrinks. And I let myself believe it.

Other days I tell myself I better quit living in that dreamland and SOON. Sometimes life is just tough. Lately, I've felt ganged up on in many areas. Mostly health-wise and financially. I feel like we no sooner get one doctor to clear us and we start the next. While I'm on the subject, you can say a little prayer for us on Wednesday-which happens to be the next Dr. appointment-this time with my surgeon. I'll blog more about that later. For now, you can just pray that it'll all work out-preferrably before Jan 1.

When I start feeling ganged up on I have options. Sometimes I choose to look back and think "Yep, I'm right. First it was sick and pregnant. Then it was gallbladder surgery. then it was 9 weeks of sickness for Kaden with bouts of us in there too. Then it was me again with MRI's EKG's etc..., then it was Kate and her ER trips and testing mingled with the flu and colds circulating again, then it was me again. and I haven't even mentioned the relationship struggles, church struggles, and our hail damage..." And then I feel really depressed and defeated. Other times I choose to think about how much I've grown. I've seen God's provision-in finances, timing, etc. I've seen God's mercy and love. And I would say my close relationships have been strengthened. I wouldn't take that back for anything.

This all came to me as I've been pondering my Christmas Letter. The one that's actually a New Years letter because I never get it done til we go to my parents house for vacation. I wondered how to write about a year of struggles, sickness, hurt, and frustration. I pondered writing in "top 10" style..and part of me doesn't want to because it just wouldn't be fair to "act" like life has been so good, when i feel so beat down. But the more I think about it, the more I want to. I want to focus on the good. I want to focus on "whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy..." that's what I want to think about. I want to tell about my year in a way that God will be exalted.

so. be expecting that. It'll be posted on here sometime in January.

Pee On The Table, Please!

If you want to see a brief update on Kate and her tests you can read the previous post. This one is more the thoughts that came from her testing.

For one of Kate's tests they filled her bladder with fluid/dye and watched through a big scary machine to see how her bladder and kidneys worked and if there was anything wrong. The very end of the test is that when they take out the catheter they ask the person to
"Pee on the table please." There is no option. Whether you are 7 months old or 55 years old. You must pee on the table. This is so they can watch your bladder expel fluid and whether does that properly, and whether it empties all the way.

Talking to the nurses beforehand they told me it's really hard to do this test on 2-3 year olds because they don't understand. They KNOW they get in trouble for peeing anywhere but there diaper or the toilet. They also know that it's embarrassing to pee on the table. But the mom has to keep them there until they just do what they are told.

I wonder how many times God asks us to do something that we feel is absurd and downright outlandish. How often does God ask us to "Pee on the table, please?" and we say "No, I know that's not what I should do." or we think we know what the consequences of such an action woudl be. How often do we think we know better than God? How often does he keep us in a situation until we just can't "hold it" anymore and break down and "pee"?

I don't really have a good example of this in my life. But part of me wonders if I do. I wish it were as simple as Him just telling me to pee!

Do YOU need to go ahead and just pee on the table? It's just a thought.

A quick update

It's been a while since I last posted. It has been a really busy last couple weeks. I've been working on a secret scrapbook (which I will post pictures of when it is no longer a secret!), keeping up with the Holidays and getting ready for Christmas, and having one sickie after another. A few ER visits, more than our share of doctor visits, tylenol, antibiotics, and tests we are now 2 weeks from Christmas and feeling like we might survive-and maybe even survive well.

For Katelyn's first Thanksgiving she was on antibiotics that made her not feel very well. But we managed to celebrate with 3 other couples until one o'clock in the morning! Around 7pm that evening Katelyn came down with the stomach "flu" on top of all her other sicknesses/medicines...and I just felt so bad for my girl!

A couple days ago-finally of the antibiotics-we had a check up to make sure her UTI infection (and cause of 2 ER trips and numerous Dr visits) was gone. It WAS! But we were reccomended to go to Rapid City to have testing to make sure her kidneys and bladder were working properly. At first we were not going to do it, but then the very next day her fever came back AND I remembered that while I was pregnant, on ultrasound it showed something that made the doctors nervous then that her bladder had some blockage or some other problem. Eventually, after another ultrasound 10 weeks later, they decided it was probably okay, but told me to be aware of it. Between those 2 things we decided to take her to have the tests done. Why not? I mean, we almost met her deductible for a second time this year!!!

The first test was an ultrasound, which she thought was weird...and slightly irritating. The second test they put in a catheter and filled her bladder with fluid and dye and watched through a machine to see how her bladder/kidneys/etc responded. That test was a booger. It took an hour, 2 nurses, and 4 different catheters to get it in. All the while Kate screamed, and mommy wanted to! It was the worst thing I could think of doing to my little girl, and I kept praying that God would just let them get it in. I had decided that if the 4th try didn't work I would say we weren't going to try again. At one point it was as if Kate gave up and said "do what you will" and stopped fighting. I told her, NO you keep fighting baby girl! You never give up! It's heartbreaking to see your baby "give up" like that. She wasn't "down" long though before she started fighting again. At the end of the test the doctor said "well that's what we like to see!" and it was definitely a relief. We are very hopeful that the tests showed that she is fine!!! We will find out later this week.

Let's just say the last few weeks have been stressful and hard. But we have a lot to be thankful for- it could be MUCH worse than little sicknesses and good reports on all our tests in the last 2 months (MRI, EKG, etc for me!) Sometimes I wonder if I should have done the tests on Katelyn, but I constantly come back to the peace of mind we have, and that I couldn't live with myself if there was something wrong and we didn't check it out!